I have decided to write about what I have been going through. In particular, I will write about how I have been affected and leave out the details of the event itself.
Just one week after I returned to university, a life altering event occurred. The most immediate effect was a demand on my time and energy that could only be met by spending almost all of my waking hours on dealing with the aftermath of that event.
I ended up dropping one course and taking an elementary French course instead of the intermediate French course that I had been placed in. I was probably improperly placed in that French class to start with, but I did not protest because I knew that I could do the work. Between these two changes, I reduced my work load by at least 25%.
I went to see a counsellor within a few days and I am still in counselling. It is helping, but I have a long way to go yet. I ended up being very angry and depressed. Apparently it is quite normal for someone in my situation to get depressed. I was prepared for that, but I did not count on my being so angry. Usually I get angry and express it and get over it within a few hours at most. I have been angry for days at a time and I just don't know how to deal with it. Under normal circumstances I would engage in vigorous exercise and meditate. I injured myself this summer and that rules out vigorous exercise. I do meditate but I have great difficulty doing it for very long at all. My blood pressure, which was in the high normal range, has shot up to dangerously high levels. I am taking medication for that and for the depression. Those medications are not fine tuned yet and I still have problems with some of the effects. I am more distracted than usual. That is why I left my books behind today.
I am blessed with having a very understanding family.
They have helped me by being there whenever I needed to call them to talk. And talk, I did. It kept me going. Thank you.
Men aren't supposed to get depressed. We are supposed to tough it out and just keep on going. I am not unrealistic enough to really believe that, but it is an expectation that people have of men. Sometimes I feel like I should just be tough and repress my feelings and get on with life.
There have been some good things come out of this and there will be more. I know that, but it is the here and now that I am living in and it is tough. Generally, I am a happy person and I know that I will get back to being myself someday, maybe not soon, but someday.
3 comments:
I'm sorry you're having a troubling time with things. You've done everything right, though, it sounds. You knew enough to get help, and that's more than most people have the sense to do.
Hugs to you.
Kathy-- Thank you for your concern. Once again, it helps to have the support of others. I am on the road to getting back to my old self and each day I take another step, or two.
I am sure your family is blessed by your presence as well. What goes around comes around. Certainly you seem like the type of person who would be easy to talk to and most likely, members of your family have had occasion to share the intricacies of their lives with you.
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